A Guide to Supporting the Person You Love Through Labour

By Bushra Hatahet, UK-Trained Clinical Midwife

Introduction

Birth is a team effort. While your midwife and doctor are there to care for you and your baby medically, your birth partner plays an incredibly important role in supporting you emotionally, physically and mentally throughout labour.

Your birth partner knows you better than anyone else. They understand your personality, how you respond when you’re anxious or in pain, what helps you relax and what makes you feel safe. They recognise your normal behaviour and can often notice subtle changes before anyone else.

Whether it’s holding your hand during a contraction, reminding you to breathe, encouraging you when labour feels overwhelming or simply sitting quietly beside you, their presence can make a significant difference to your birth experience.

This guide will help your birth partner feel confident, prepared and ready to support you every step of the way.

 

What is a Birth Partner?

A birth partner is the person you choose to support you throughout labour and birth.

This may be your:

•Husband or partner
•Mother or sister
•Family member
•Friend
•Doula

Every birth partner brings something unique. Their role is not to replace your midwife. Instead, they work alongside your maternity team to provide continuous support that only someone who knows you personally can give.

 

Why Your Birth Partner Matters

Research has consistently shown that women who receive continuous support during labour often have shorter labours, require fewer medical interventions and report a more positive birth experience.

Your birth partner knows things that healthcare professionals simply cannot know.

They understand:

•Your personality.
•How you behave when you’re anxious.
•What makes you laugh.
•What comforts you.
•When you prefer silence.
•When you need encouragement.
•Your fears.
•Your birth wishes and preferences.

During labour it’s common to become quieter, more inwardly focused and less able to communicate exactly what you need. Your birth partner can recognise these changes and help communicate your wishes if needed.

They also provide reassurance between contractions, help create a calm environment and remind you that your body is doing exactly what it was designed to do.

One of their most valuable roles is advocacy. While your midwife will always explain your options and support informed decision-making, your birth partner can help ensure your preferences are communicated clearly and that you have the opportunity to understand your choices before making decisions.

The Physiology of Labour

Labour is controlled by hormones.

Understanding these hormones helps explain why your birth partner is such an important part of your birth team.

Oxytocin – The Love Hormone

Oxytocin is often called the “love hormone” because it is released during moments of connection, affection and trust.

During labour, oxytocin is responsible for:

•Stimulating uterine contractions.
•Helping the cervix to dilate.
•Encouraging labour to progress naturally.
•Supporting bonding after birth.
•Helping breast milk to flow after delivery.

Your body produces oxytocin best when you feel:

•Safe
•Calm
•Supported
•Private
•Loved

Simple actions from your birth partner can naturally increase oxytocin production:

•Holding your hand.
•Eye contact.
•Gentle massage.
•Kissing your forehead.
•Speaking calmly.
•Quiet reassurance.
•Physical closeness.
•Protecting your environment.

These small moments have a surprisingly powerful effect on labour.

Adrenaline – The Fight or Flight Hormone

Adrenaline prepares your body for danger.

If you become frightened, anxious or feel unsafe, adrenaline levels rise.

High adrenaline can:

•Slow contractions.
•Reduce oxytocin production.
•Increase muscle tension.
•Make contractions feel more painful.
•Delay labour progression.

This is why maintaining a calm, quiet environment is so important.

Endorphins – Your Body’s Natural Pain Relief

As labour progresses, your body releases endorphins.

These are natural pain-relieving hormones that help you cope with stronger contractions.

Endorphins help you:

•Feel calmer.
•Reduce the perception of pain.
•Enter a deeply focused labour state.
•Conserve energy.

When your birth partner helps you feel safe and relaxed, they are also helping your body produce the hormones needed for labour to progress.

Why Feeling Safe Helps Labour Progress

Labour isn’t simply physical—it is deeply influenced by your emotions and environment.

When you feel safe, your brain continues producing oxytocin, allowing contractions to work effectively.

Your birth partner helps create this sense of safety by:

•Speaking calmly.
•Offering reassurance.
•Protecting your privacy.
•Limiting unnecessary interruptions.
•Helping you stay relaxed.
•Being a familiar face throughout labour.

Sometimes simply knowing someone you trust is beside you is enough to help your body relax.

Before Labour

Preparation begins long before contractions start.

Encourage your birth partner to:

•Attend antenatal education classes.
•Understand your birth preferences.
•Discuss different birth scenarios.
•Learn about pain relief options.
•Pack their own hospital bag.
•Download a contraction timing app.
•Know the quickest route to hospital.
•Ensure the car has fuel.
•Charge mobile phones.
•Save important contact numbers.
•Discuss who will be informed once labour begins.

During Early Labour

Early labour is often the longest stage.

The aim is to remain calm, conserve energy and stay comfortable.

Encourage Eating and Drinking

Labour is like running a marathon.

Encourage small, regular snacks and fluids.

Examples include:

•Water
•Electrolyte drinks
•Coconut water
•Ice chips
•Fresh fruit
•Bananas
•Toast
•Crackers
•Rice cakes
•Yogurt
•Sandwiches
•Pasta or rice meals if tolerated

Many women experience nausea or vomiting during labour, particularly as contractions become stronger. This is completely normal. Having light snacks available allows her to eat little and often if she feels able.

Create a Calm Environment

A calm environment encourages oxytocin production.

Simple ways to help include:

•Put your phone on silent.
•Keep conversations quiet.
•Limit unnecessary phone calls.
•Avoid constantly updating family and friends.
•Let only the people who truly need to know know that labour has begun.
•Dim the lights.
•Play calming music.
•Respect moments of silence.
•Minimise distractions.

Labour often progresses best when a woman feels private, safe and protected.

Massage

Massage can help relieve muscle tension and promote relaxation.

Try:

•Shoulder massage.
•Lower back massage.
•Firm pressure over the sacrum.
•Gentle arm and hand massage.

Always ask what feels comfortable as preferences may change throughout labour.

 

Breathing Reminders

When contractions become stronger it’s common to tense the shoulders or hold your breath.

Gentle reminders can help.

Try saying:

“Slow breath in.”

“Long breath out.”

“Relax your shoulders.”

“Keep your jaw soft.”

A long slow exhale encourages relaxation and helps reduce tension.

 

Encourage Rest

 

Between contractions, encourage her to rest whenever possible.

Help by:

•Arranging pillows.
•Providing blankets.
•Supporting comfortable positions.
•Encouraging short naps if labour is prolonged.

Resting early often means more energy later.

 

During Active Labour

As labour becomes more intense, your support becomes even more important.

Encourage Movement

Movement helps the baby navigate through the pelvis.

Encourage positions such as:

•Walking.
•Standing.
•Leaning forward.
•Sitting on a birth ball.
•Hands and knees.
•Side lying.
•Kneeling.

Changing positions regularly often improves comfort and encourages labour progress.

 

Counter-Pressure

 

Many women experience significant lower back pain during labour, particularly if their baby is facing upwards (back-to-back position).

Counter-pressure involves applying firm, continuous pressure using the heel of your hand, fist or forearm over the lower back or sacrum during a contraction.

This pressure helps support the pelvis and can significantly reduce back pain.

The pressure should feel firm rather than gentle and should only be used if she finds it helpful.

 

Hip Squeezes

 

Hip squeezes involve placing your hands on either side of the pelvis and gently but firmly squeezing the hips inwards during contractions.

This technique may:

•Relieve pelvic pressure.
•Ease lower back pain.
•Help create more comfort.
•Reduce the sensation of pressure through the pelvis.

Many women describe hip squeezes as one of the most effective comfort techniques during active labour.

Ask your midwife to demonstrate the technique if you’re unsure.

 

Encourage Fluids

Offer regular sips of:

•Water.
•Electrolyte drinks.
•Ice chips.
•Diluted juice.

Keeping hydrated helps maintain energy throughout labour.

 

Advocate Respectfully

Support your partner’s wishes.

If she is unable to communicate clearly during contractions, gently remind staff of her birth preferences and encourage discussions between your partner and the healthcare team.

Support informed decision-making, but remember that medical recommendations may change depending on how labour progresses.

 

Understanding Labour Behaviours

One of the most important things to remember is that labour is a normal physiological process.

As labour progresses you may see behaviours that seem worrying, even though they are completely normal.

It can be incredibly difficult to watch someone you love in pain.

You may feel helpless.

You may feel frightened.

You may wish you could take the pain away.

Remember that your calmness becomes one of her greatest sources of strength.

Many women experience:

•Shaking or trembling.
•Vomiting.
•Crying.
•Becoming emotional.
•Becoming very quiet.
•Becoming loud during contractions.
•Wanting to move constantly.
•Saying, “I can’t do this anymore.”

These are all common and usually reflect the body’s hormonal response to labour.

 

Coping vs Not Coping

One of the biggest misconceptions about labour is that if a woman is crying, shouting, shaking or vomiting, she isn’t coping.

This simply isn’t true.

There is a very important difference between coping and not coping.

A woman may:

•Cry through every contraction.
•Vomit several times.
•Shake uncontrollably.
•Roar during contractions.
•Tell you she can’t do it anymore.

…and still be coping extremely well.

The important thing is what happens between contractions.

If, between contractions, she is able to:

•Catch her breath.
•Relax her body.
•Listen to reassurance.
•Take a drink.
•Rest, even briefly.
•Engage with you.

Then she is usually coping well.

During a contraction she is climbing a mountain.

Between contractions she is coming back down again.

Your role is to help her recover before the next contraction begins.

 

Stay Calm

Labour is painful—but pain in labour has a purpose.

Unlike pain from illness or injury, every contraction is helping:

•Open the cervix.
•Move the baby through the pelvis.
•Bring your baby closer to birth.

Try not to let your own anxiety become hers.

If she looks at you and sees panic on your face, it can increase her fear and make labour feel more difficult.

Instead, become her calm.

Hold her hand.

Look into her eyes.

Remind her:

“You’re doing brilliantly.”

“Your body knows exactly what to do.”

“One contraction at a time.”

Sometimes your quiet presence is far more powerful than finding the perfect words.

 

Practical Comfort Measures

Simple comfort measures can make an enormous difference.

Massage

Helps reduce muscle tension and promotes relaxation.

Heat Packs

Applied to the lower back they may ease muscle pain and backache.

TENS Machine

Provides gentle electrical stimulation that can reduce pain, particularly during early labour.

Water

A warm shower or birth pool can help reduce pain, improve relaxation and encourage movement.

Music

Calming, familiar music can reduce anxiety and create a peaceful atmosphere.

Dim Lighting

Low lighting encourages oxytocin production and helps many women feel calmer and more relaxed.

 

Bushra’s Midwife Tip

One of the most common things I hear women say during labour is, “I can’t do this anymore.”

As a midwife, I often smile when I hear this because it usually tells me they are approaching one of the most intense—and often shortest—stages of labour, known as transition.

Don’t panic if your partner says this. She isn’t giving up. More often than not, it means she is working incredibly hard and is much closer to meeting her baby than she realises.

Stay calm, keep encouraging her and remind her that every contraction is bringing her one step closer to holding her baby.

Key Takeaways

✔️ Your calmness helps her remain calm.

✔️ Labour hormones work best when she feels safe and supported.

 

✔️ Crying, shaking, vomiting and vocalising are often normal behaviours in labour.

✔️ Focus on helping her recover between contractions.

✔️ Encourage fluids, movement, breathing and rest.

✔️ You don’t need to fix the pain—you simply need to walk through it with her.

Remember: Your presence is one of the greatest gifts you can give during labour. Sometimes, simply being there, staying calm and believing in her is all she needs to find the strength to keep going.